Chilean 101

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I am discovering that being a Chilean is not as difficult as it may appear at first glance. After being in Chile for about three weeks I have most of the important stuff down. This is a run down of the 10 most imperative things you need to know in order to fool the locals and lose your Gringo status.

1. Eat Completos.
How do you improve an already amazing hot dog? Smother it with Avocado. It's the best idea ever. This masterpiece is accurately titled "The Completo" and really what more do you need? A hot dog with guacamole is like the Mona Lisa of junk food. It is pure genius in a bun. Thank you Chile you are an inspiration to us all. Plus they usually run about 450 pesos. Less than a dollar for pure joy and gastronomical pleasure.

2. Speak insanely fast and run your sentences together. The faster the better.
Listening to a Chilean speak is like listening to Eminem rap. You catch every other word. Basically they got mad rhymes and they could all be professional rappers. It makes your head spin. They speak at the speed of sound. Just smile, nod and say "Si, po" as often as possible.


3. Use "Si po" and "Cachay" after everything you say.
"Si po" is something Chileans say after everything. It is used to break up sentences, affirm what you are saying, or just because. It means "ya man" or "of course" or "I hear you" or anything you want it to. Use it liberally and you are in. "Cachay" means "did you get it?" be sure to say this phrase after absolutely everything. With these two little phrases in your arsenal you will look as Chilean as it gets.


4. The best way to make friends is to ask for a favor.
In Chile small talk is a tad bit overrated, they are not always the best conversationalists when compared to their follow South Americans. But ask them for, help, directions, advice, to borrow something or to try their food and suddenly you have a new friend. So basically just be really needy and helpless and you will be oh so popular here.

5. Always have camel toe.
This is a tad bit cruel but the truth has to be spoken,: everyone hear has camel toe. It is a prerequisite. The old lady on the subway, the woman in line at the super market, the girl at the club. It is ubiquitous. Otherwise Chileans have pretty good style, I have seen some killer outfits but the camel toe is synonymous with Chile. I think maybe it is some kind of fad but I think I'll just wear some gladiator sandals and call it a day.

6. Never go out drinking before 12am.
Biggest Gringo move ever? Being ready to go out at 10pm. Soooo, not going to happen. No one even dares show their face at a club before 12am and that is still too early. Chileans stay out until the next fricking day. It's not a night out unless you're still out at 7am. If the morning paper is not printed and delivered it is too early to be catching a cab home.


7. Drink Pisco, religiously.
Pisco is a Chilean brandy made from white grapes. They love the stuff so much they invented their own verb for drinking Pisco and cola (piscola). They will ask you "Estas piscoleando," which roughly translated means "Are you getting hammered on piscola?" And once you become a true Chilean you will always reply: "Si Po!"


8. Dinner is so not Chilean.
So dinner is not an option in Chile. They prefer to gorge themselves on a Menu (a three course set meal, which is usually pretty economical) during the 3 hour lunch period. Then for dinner they have Onces which is sandwiches or a small snack. So don't waste your time asking around for where the best place to eat dinner is. You get your eats from 12-3pm like the locals or you are out of luck kid.


9. Pierce or tattoo something.
Everyone has a tattoo, a piercing, or both. I look like the biggest up-tight goodie two shoes ever. There are old ladies here in Santiago who would put bikers to shame. So get your self a belly button ring or an ankle tattoo before you apply for the visa because it's a serious requirement.



10. Unleash as much PDA as possible infront of innocent bystanders.
Here in Chile young and old do not hold back. They are out in the open, making-out on park benches, in the subway, on the bus and in line at the grocery store. It's like the Summer of Love cerca 1968 here. It doesn't matter if you are 14 or 82, you are kissing and groping like no tomorrow. The norm here is to see two 45 year olds doing some serious macking at 1:30pm in the Park on a Tuesday afternoon. These people do not mess around. It is like being at a drive in theater in the 1950s. Apparently they find it too inconvenient to mack-it at home. They would rather be out in the city making people ill. But hey, you can't fight city hall, if you wanna be Chilean you gotta find a partner and do some necking on a park bench.